4:22 p.m., 8/30/2023
I'll probably go back to my mom and da, given enough time.
I assume that my attraction to the woods is a phase. It's not. It comes in phases, and during them I feel such a longing to hang up and live in the woods that it feels alienating to do anything else. Out of these phases, I convince myself that I'm living in reality now, and to dream about a house in the woods is to romanticize that life. I acknowledge that it would be just as hard to sustain myself, or even to live alone and timelessly like that, as it would to continue living the kind of life I am now.
My life is already going on. We tell ourselves that our actual aspirations can wait until after high school, and then until after college. But then we get a "career", and we owe money constantly, and our passions get pushed to the weekend and outcompeted by our vacuuming and grocery shopping. I've been nursing the idea that I'll do these things as soon as I'm done with school, and forgetting that I won't always feel like this. I want to live in the woods now. I've been alienating myself from my actual desires for so long that I worry I'll continue to do so. Another excuse, another excuse, another excuse.
I can feel myself drifting toward college dropout. I can feel myself drifting toward republican. I can feel myself drifting apart, toward several no-no archetypes that my "better judgement" has been trying to avoid. At both work and school I feel alienated around my peers, and overwhelmed by what's being asked of me. I feel "too disabled for that shit" and angry against the systems that assume it's doable for us.